| The popular psychology of Western culture has | | | | model of life when he writes, ?Psychotherapy |
| firmly established a connection between happiness | | | | sees many normal life events as trauma in need |
| and self-esteem. | | | | of healing rather than as enriching experiences. |
| Certainly few would deny the importance of | | | | This has political consequences. Individuals are |
| self-worth to a healthy outlook. But can social | | | | freed from moral responsibility for what they do |
| programs promising to enhance self-esteem | | | | or what happened to them and therefore are no |
| unwittingly produce selfish, dissatisfied people with | | | | longer citizens, but patients or victims? |
| an unrealistic view of themselves and the world | | | | (?Psychology of Victimhood,? 2003). |
| they live in? Without a clear understanding of the | | | | Once victimhood is enshrined, offensive behavior |
| source of healthy self-esteem, how can we be | | | | is increasingly blamed on childhood abuses. |
| sure that well-intended efforts aren't instead | | | | Criminals are transformed into the blameless. Of |
| leading, as some charge, to a generation of | | | | course, there are innumerable cases of genuine |
| self-absorbed social misfits? | | | | psychological trauma and unimaginably scarring |
| A close look at the subject reveals both a reliable | | | | cruelty. But problems are frequently misdiagnosed |
| path to proper self-esteem and a key to | | | | as self-esteem issues, and the symptom rather |
| sustainable happiness. The two are clearly | | | | than the cause receives treatment. Zur |
| connected, though not in the way many | | | | comments that victimhood is ?often claimed by |
| sociologists and educators seem to think. | | | | the privileged middle class and the wealthy of our |
| THE FEEL-GOOD FACTOR | | | | society. The victim's stance of 'Don't blame me!' is |
| Self-esteem has many definitions, but all address | | | | often accompanied with 'I deserve this, this and |
| aspects of how we view and value ourselves. | | | | this!' The 'rights industry' or the 'rights movement' |
| They range from simply ?feeling good about | | | | goes hand in hand with the victim industry.? |
| yourself? to more detailed descriptions such as | | | | I LOVE ME |
| ?actualizing one's own attributes, having one's | | | | An increasing emphasis on individualism illustrates |
| accomplishments validated by others, and being | | | | the elevated position the self holds in Western |
| able to compare oneself to others favorably.? | | | | culture. This prominence is often referred to as |
| Regardless of its definition, self-esteem is a | | | | narcissism?the obsessive love of self. With the |
| fundamental component of who we are as | | | | self-esteem movement embedded in child |
| individuals, and that affects who we are | | | | development programs, young adults are now |
| collectively as a society. Much unhappiness in the | | | | encouraged to develop image rather than |
| form of social ills such as crime, poverty and | | | | character. |
| addiction has been attributed to low self-esteem. | | | | Lilian G. Katz of the University of Illinois Early |
| Society's solution has been to offer programs to | | | | Childhood and Parenting Collaborative warns that |
| raise self-esteem. Early childhood development | | | | school self-esteem programs promote schemes |
| specialists place heavy emphasis on the | | | | that, while they ?are intended to help children |
| importance of nurturing a positive self-image at a | | | | achieve and maintain high self-esteem [they] may |
| young age. They, and indeed most parents, | | | | inadvertently cultivate narcissism.? She cites other |
| recognize children's need for a favorable sense of | | | | researchers who claim ?that when success is |
| self-worth to establish a good social foundation | | | | more important than self-respect, the culture |
| and to connect with the world around them. | | | | itself overvalues image and is narcissistic, and |
| This deep-seated emotional need is not limited to | | | | further that narcissism denotes a degree of |
| children, and it is not inherently bad. Certainly an | | | | unreality in individuals and the culture? |
| optimistic view of ourselves enables us to | | | | (?Distinctions Between Self-Esteem and |
| contribute to the world around us. An influential | | | | Narcissism,? 1993). |
| number of educators, however, have come to | | | | The most worrying aspect of narcissism is the |
| accept that if students can simply be made to | | | | profound disconnection from reality. It promotes |
| feel good about themselves, then success in | | | | extreme responses to needs and desires that are |
| school and beyond will automatically follow. | | | | perfectly normal. Katz explains that narcissists are |
| Educators often pursue this objective through | | | | ?sometimes described as exhibitionistic, requiring |
| programs of self-affirmation. Such efforts have | | | | constant attention and admiration, often believing |
| prompted lively debate within the educational | | | | that they are entitled to special favors without |
| community. Many fear that feelings have been | | | | the need to reciprocate.? Such people ?tend to |
| given greater weight than competence and | | | | exploit others, to be seekers of sensations, |
| character. Experts in the field maintain that | | | | experiences, and thrills, and to be highly |
| excessive promotion of self-esteem can create | | | | susceptible to boredom. Many of these |
| selfish, unfulfilled people with a distorted | | | | characteristics of narcissism seem to apply to our |
| self-image. If the self is allowed to become the | | | | culture in general and to many of our youth in |
| overriding focus of our lives in a misguided pursuit | | | | particular.? She adds that ?adults diagnosed as |
| of self-esteem, the results, say an increasing | | | | suffering from the narcissism syndrome often |
| number of experts, can be disastrous. | | | | complain that their lives are empty or |
| Indeed, the breadth of greedy, egocentric, | | | | meaningless, and they often show insensitivity to |
| careless behavior observable in our communities | | | | the needs of others.? |
| appears to confirm that the current emphasis on | | | | When the self becomes the center of the |
| feeling good is ill-advised. | | | | individual's universe, disconnection from other |
| THE HALLOWED SELF | | | | people also occurs. The feelings and needs of |
| Contemporary views of self-esteem stem | | | | others take a distant second place, and personal |
| directly from the history of Western philosophical | | | | identity is sought within narrow groups that |
| thought. More specifically, they are a logical | | | | validate self-centered views. In this way, the |
| outgrowth of individualism, which has largely | | | | world is viewed from an emotional rather than a |
| coincided with secularization. | | | | rational perspective; personal feelings override |
| In analyzing the secularizing of Western society in | | | | distinctions between right and wrong. |
| a recent newspaper editorial, political writer Milton | | | | Pursuing self-esteem via self-centered activities is |
| Viorst observed, ?The seminal notion that the | | | | a vicious cycle, however. Self-love is ultimately |
| Renaissance introduced to the West was that | | | | unfulfilling. Dissatisfied, the narcissist seeks |
| mankind, not God, is at the hub of the social | | | | opportunities to feel good through more |
| universe. It held reason as important as faith, and | | | | self-centered activities. But self-serving pursuits do |
| urged men and women to claim responsibility, free | | | | not create self-esteem. In fact, they often have |
| of clergy, for their own lives.? Viorst continued, | | | | just the opposite effect: low self-esteem and a |
| ?The ideas led, over quarrelsome centuries, to the | | | | sense of worthlessness that can end in tragedy. |
| Reformation, the Enlightenment and the scientific | | | | A respected authority on child development, |
| revolution.? | | | | William Damon, asserts firmly that ?one cannot |
| This emphasis on reason or rationalism has been a | | | | 'find' self-esteem in isolation from one's relations |
| driving force in the evolution of individualism. | | | | to others because it does not exist apart from |
| Sociologist Emile Durkheim noted more than 100 | | | | those relations? (Greater Expectations, 1995). |
| years ago that ?the development of rationalism | | | | When we attempt to place a value on ourselves |
| does not come about without a parallel | | | | and ignore the value of other people, we lose |
| development of individualism.? That we have | | | | sight of where true self-esteem originates. |
| arrived at a point in Western culture where the | | | | A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE |
| self is paramount should not be surprising; | | | | As society has become increasingly absorbed with |
| individualism has enjoyed a lengthy period of | | | | the pursuit of individualism, it has lost sight of an |
| incubation. | | | | important dimension of self-esteem: a standard by |
| While thinking for oneself can obviously represent | | | | which to evaluate the self and its relationships |
| a healthy form of individualism, enshrining the self | | | | with others. While many people have come to |
| has served overall to degrade societal standards | | | | view self-love as the basis of self-worth, true and |
| and sanctions. The modern world's inward focus | | | | sustainable self-esteem comes from a different |
| promotes self-tolerance, entitlement, victimhood | | | | source. |
| and narcissism. Each of these lenses obstructs our | | | | In an interview with Vision Damon noted that |
| vision of right self-esteem and its foundation. | | | | ?self-esteem is a perfectly good thing for people |
| JUST AS I AM | | | | to have, but it should be the result of good |
| Tolerance is a critical social lubricant in our diverse | | | | behavior. In other words, you should feel good |
| society. However, in their haste to promote a | | | | about yourself because you've done something |
| virtue, many have misapplied the concept and | | | | right. . . . We want to promote self-esteem that |
| fallen into the trap of accepting themselves | | | | comes from achievement and from service to |
| nonjudgmentally: ?I must be accepted for who | | | | others.? That clearly represents a very different |
| and what I am, regardless of who and what I | | | | kind of love. |
| am.? | | | | There are two basic types of love. The first, |
| Maureen Stout, who holds a doctorate in the | | | | self-love, may be expressed in a variety of |
| philosophy of education, finds that ?the current | | | | beguiling forms, but at its foundation it is always |
| definition of self-esteem used by educators and | | | | self-centered. It exists on the edge of |
| psychologists seems to be . . . feeling good about | | | | dysfunction, because it is motivated, first and |
| oneself irrespective of individual or social attributes | | | | foremost, by emotions and desires. It loves only |
| or characteristics? (The Feel Good Curriculum, | | | | because of the pleasure and satisfaction it hopes |
| 2000). In other words, we may choose to bolster | | | | to gain. |
| our self-worth by refusing to judge ourselves by | | | | The second type is far more rare: outgoing love. |
| external standards. In this way the positive | | | | It is based on true concern for the well-being of |
| characteristics of tolerance (patience, kindness and | | | | others and subordinates the inwardly directed |
| respect) are transformed into permissive | | | | desires of the self. This love is the core of |
| attitudes that allow negative character traits to | | | | healthy self-esteem. |
| remain unchallenged. | | | | Some might be surprised that the Bible not only |
| Accepting ourselves without regard to external | | | | defines outgoing love, it also shows it to be a |
| criteria is a dangerous aspect of false self-esteem. | | | | prerequisite of both self-esteem and happiness. |
| This approach broadly misconstrues tolerance by | | | | The desire to feel good about ourselves has |
| specifically rejecting any objective measure by | | | | prompted many to throw off any uncomfortable |
| which a meaningful self-evaluation can be | | | | constraints on human behavior. But as hard as it is |
| undertaken. Self-esteem and absolute standards | | | | to accept in today's environment, happiness and |
| are not comfortable bedfellows. | | | | well-being are dependent on constraints. And the |
| ENTITLEMENT MENTALITY | | | | constraints given in the Bible are designed to |
| If we learn to tolerate our errors and personal | | | | focus our attention away from individual desires |
| flaws, then we come to accept ourselves as | | | | and toward the needs of others. These principles |
| somehow basically okay. Thus we can feel | | | | have been established as the bedrock of |
| justified in asserting ourselves, defending our | | | | civilization for millennia because they prompt |
| perceived rights, and claiming our self-determined | | | | behavior that is helpful both within and between |
| fair share. This attitude can quickly deteriorate | | | | individuals. The clear standard?like a guardrail along |
| into the assumption that the world owes us | | | | a treacherous road?is known as the law of God. |
| something. Entitlement is the feeling that we | | | | Jesus summarized the law by stating, ?The first |
| deserve something, whatever it may be, | | | | of all the commandments is . . . 'you shall love the |
| regardless of what we may or may not have | | | | Lord your God with all your heart, with all your |
| done to earn it. | | | | soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' |
| This destructive attitude often develops early in | | | | This is the first commandment. And the second, |
| childhood. According to psychologist Lynne Namka, | | | | like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as |
| ?some children feel owed or entitled to get their | | | | yourself. There is no other commandment |
| way. While it is normal for a child to ask for what | | | | greater than these? (Mark 12:29?31). Clearly both |
| he wants, some children are overly demanding | | | | love toward God and love toward fellow man are |
| and needy. They have not learned to balance | | | | outgoing. They produce actions and attitudes that |
| taking from others with giving; they view other | | | | promote the happiness of others ahead of |
| people as existing merely to give to them.? | | | | personal happiness. |
| Namka adds that a child's selfish behavior, ?if it is | | | | In writing to the early Christians in Rome, the |
| not checked or outgrown, . . .can become a | | | | apostle Paul made this observation regarding the |
| lifelong pattern of getting everything for himself? | | | | second great commandment: ?Owe no one |
| (?'You Owe Me!': Children of Entitlement,? 1997). If | | | | anything except to love one another, for he who |
| unchecked in childhood, these attitudes intensify | | | | loves another has fulfilled the law. For the |
| and may be manifested in behaviors such as road | | | | commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery,' |
| rage, students demanding better grades than | | | | 'You shall not murder,' 'You shall not steal,' 'You |
| they earn, or corporate executives awarding | | | | shall not bear false witness,' 'You shall not covet,' |
| themselves exorbitant salaries. Attitudes of | | | | and if there is any other commandment, are all |
| entitlement have the unfortunate consequence of | | | | summed up in this saying, namely, 'You shall love |
| divorcing both character and behavior from how | | | | your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no harm to |
| we value ourselves. | | | | a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the |
| A SOCIETY OF VICTIMS | | | | law ? (Romans 13:8?10, emphasis added). |
| Because they may imply that self-esteem is a | | | | What a paradox! Love and obedience to God's law |
| fundamental right, self-tolerance and a sense of | | | | are one and the same! The apostle John summed |
| entitlement produce another psychological malady | | | | it up this way. ?For this is the love of God, that |
| that is increasingly present in our culture: | | | | we keep His commandments? (1 John 5:3). |
| victimhood?placing the blame for personal | | | | The modern self-esteem movement fails because |
| inadequacies elsewhere. | | | | it rejects God's law as the basis of love. Yet as |
| The growing tendency among many psychologists | | | | we do those things that fulfill love toward other |
| and medical practitioners is to classify all manner | | | | people, we begin to experience feelings of true |
| of behavioral problems as diseases. In this way | | | | self-worth. Obedience to God's law?the expression |
| bad behavior can be neatly isolated, clinically | | | | of outgoing concern?produces well-being and |
| named, and subsequently treated with drugs and | | | | contentment coupled with a positive self-image. |
| or counseling. Thus an individual is unfettered by | | | | The resulting sense of happiness cannot exist in |
| accountability for his or her actions. This trend | | | | the individual who is drawn into the lonely vacuum |
| mirrors a broad shift in cultural values from | | | | of self-interest. |
| self-control to self-indulgence. | | | | Is your life empty and unfulfilled? Perhaps some |
| Some have suggested that children are being | | | | time spent exploring and practicing |
| overdiagnosed with such diseases as Attention | | | | commandment-based love will help fill the |
| Deficit Disorder in order to separate responsibility | | | | emotional tank and nurture personal development |
| from behavior. Psychologist Ofer Zur pinpoints the | | | | . |
| broader effects of the poor-behavior-as-disease | | | | |