| As a child, I remember watching the Brady Bunch. | | | | Convention sets broad guidelines for handling |
| It was an idyllic exploration of what was just | | | | international custody and abduction disputes. But it |
| becoming an American norm: the 'step' family. By | | | | does not offer specifics and it does not apply |
| idyllic I mean that the show carefully avoided | | | | unless signed by all countries involved. |
| many of the complicated issues of real life. While | | | | The truth is that family and immigration law lags |
| Tom Brady was clearly identified as a widow, no | | | | far behind the complexities of the blended family. |
| mention was ever made of what had become of | | | | So how then do we deal with these and other |
| Carol's first husband. And the show clearly | | | | issues of the blended family? The answer may be |
| avoided the complication of extended family which | | | | as simple as the adults involved placing the needs |
| would have been important to the children: | | | | of the child above their own. Is that easy? From |
| grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Now | | | | personal experience, I can give a resounding 'NO.' |
| even a small picture of a mother the boys must | | | | When I immigrated to the UK in 2006 to be with |
| have loved? | | | | my new husband, it meant leaving behind in the |
| It has been thirty-five years since the Brady | | | | US my then five year old son. It was a horribly |
| Bunch went off the air. In those 35 years: | | | | difficult choice for us. Ironically, it was a choice |
| - In the United States, 49% of marriages end in | | | | that resulted from a severe delay in the US |
| divorce. In the UK, 42.6%. | | | | immigration process by a law intended to protect |
| - The number of children living with both parents | | | | foreign brides and their children from abuse |
| decreased from 85% to 68% between 1970 and | | | | (International Marriage Brokers Registration Act). |
| 1996. | | | | But because of this law, the process to bring my |
| - About half of all children will witness the | | | | Brit husband to the US which should have taken |
| break-up of a parent's marriage. Of these kids, | | | | about 9 months came to a complete halt. My |
| nearly half will also witness a parent's second | | | | husband and I had recently had our only child and |
| divorce. | | | | he was missing months of his only child's |
| - Children who are raised in single-parent homes | | | | life...something he would never get back. In the |
| are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce. | | | | end through negotiation and working in the best |
| Three changes which further complicate the | | | | interest of all the children, we worked out a |
| blended family are re-marriage/divorce, | | | | shared custody that allows me to have my US |
| co-habitation and international relationships. | | | | son when he is not in school...and speak with him |
| The issues of re-marriage and divorce were | | | | daily. It is expensive...and hard. |
| highlighted by the recent divorce of Madonna and | | | | But the simple truth is that the more complicated |
| Guy Ritchie. In that case, the couple agreed to | | | | our lives and loves become the more we must |
| share custody of their sons. But I was left | | | | assume the responsibility as the adults to look out |
| wondering what motivated their decision to not | | | | for the best interest of the children...even when |
| include Lourdes, Madonna's first child in that | | | | the choices we face are painful to us personally. |
| agreement. Why is it that DNA alone determines | | | | Until the laws catch up with the realities of |
| legal rights in divorce. As mentioned above nearly | | | | blended families, we must as individuals reach |
| a quarter of all children will witness not just their | | | | compromises that will accommodate the |
| parents divorce but also a dissolution of their step | | | | emotional needs of our children; including |
| blended family. Depending on many factors, such | | | | recognising the important role that step-father's |
| as their age and relationship with the step-parent, | | | | and mother's and even co-habitating partners |
| this secondary separation can be as traumatic or | | | | may play in our children's lives. And while distance |
| perhaps even more so. | | | | is a growing concern for many blended families, |
| An equally famous couple, Angelina Jolie and Brad | | | | the same tools which allowed us to form bonds |
| Pitt, represent the second issue of co-habitation. | | | | with new partners around the world can be |
| Because they are not legally married, Pitt must | | | | utilised to maintain important bonds with our |
| adopt Angelina's other children in order to have | | | | children...technology combined with commitment |
| any legal rights. But how many less famous and | | | | makes long distance parenting not just a buzz |
| or less wealthy couples is this simply not an | | | | word but a real possibility for families such as our |
| option. My husband represents the worst case | | | | own. |
| scenario. His first serious relationship was with a | | | | The only certainty in life is change. I am sure that |
| woman who had a young son. For over two | | | | in 35 years the face of family will change as |
| years, he was the only father this child knew. | | | | dramatically as it has in the past 35 years. Life is |
| Then simply because she was now more | | | | rarely neatly packaged as in the Brady Bunch, |
| attracted to another man, he was forced to | | | | which is why it is important that parents assume |
| leave this child whom he had cared for both | | | | the role of protector of their child's best |
| physically and emotionally. Over 15 years later, he | | | | interest...even at their own expense. Wouldn't it |
| still receives Christmas and birthday cards from | | | | have been nice if Carol and Tom had invited his |
| this young man. | | | | dead wife's parents to dinner occasionally...for the |
| In the past 15 years, the world itself has shrunk | | | | boy's sake? Or what about shared custody and |
| drastically...thanks to the Internet. Now men and | | | | visitation for the girls? This past spring, we met |
| women from around the globe can meet...and | | | | my former partner and son in Orlando for our |
| marry. But what of their children? What if Carol | | | | spring visitation. Here I am at Disney Land with |
| comes from the Ukraine or Phillipines? Or what if | | | | my husband, my ex and two young children. And |
| Tom lives in the UK? Internationally, the Hague | | | | we have a very nice 'family' picture. |