| One of the major roadblocks to strong | | | | Your Anger |
| relationships, both at home and at work, is the | | | | Repeated exposure to stressful images, thoughts |
| inability to effectively manage one's emotions. Of | | | | and situations can intensify your emotional |
| all the emotional, psychological and physical | | | | response. If you find that your anger escalates |
| responses we experience in life, anger is perhaps | | | | when you watch the news, read the newspaper |
| the most challenging to process and control on a | | | | or talk about an offense or injustice with a friend |
| consistent basis. | | | | or co-worker, then you may need to significantly |
| How you choose to respond to your anger will | | | | reduce or eliminate these activities. |
| make a difference in the quality of your | | | | The same holds true if you are exposed to |
| relationships, your physical and emotional well | | | | someone who intentionally, or unintentionally - we'll |
| being and your effectiveness in bringing about | | | | give them the benefit of the doubt for now - |
| positive and constructive change in your life. Here | | | | provokes you by being critical, blaming or mean. |
| is a list of practical tips you can use to help | | | | The best thing you can do is respectfully excuse |
| manage your anger more effectively. | | | | yourself from the situation and only reengage |
| 1. Understand What Anger Is | | | | when cooler heads prevail - especially yours. |
| Anger is a natural, God-designed emotional and | | | | Finding alternative activities to engage in when |
| physiological response to negative or threatening | | | | frustrated or angry like exercising, calling a friend, |
| circumstances in life. When you believe that you | | | | reading a book, playing with your children, working |
| have been treated unfairly or harshly, or when | | | | around the house, or watching a funny movie can |
| you experience frustration associated with an | | | | give you the break you need to avoid an |
| unmet need or goal, your mind and body prepare | | | | emotional reaction and regain a healthy |
| for action. It is this emotional and physiological | | | | perspective. |
| response that we call anger. Anger has the | | | | 6. Take Constructive Action |
| potential to help us protect ourselves or others | | | | Effective anger management often includes |
| and can serve as a catalyst to bring about | | | | engaging in constructive and creative forms of |
| needed change. However, its relative value is | | | | expression. Here are some examples of how you |
| largely determined by how we choose to respond | | | | may want to respond to your anger. |
| to it. Anger is referred to as a "secondary | | | | - Identify the specifics of what you are angry |
| emotion". This simply means that it is an | | | | about in order to prevent your anger from being |
| extension of the primary emotion of frustration. | | | | displaced onto other issues and/or people. |
| Everyone experiences some degree of frustration | | | | - Regularly practice relaxation techniques. |
| on a daily basis whether associated with not being | | | | - Refrain from reliving the experience and |
| able to fit into your favorite blue jeans or the | | | | intensifying the emotion. |
| person who just pulled out in front of you on the | | | | - Don't exaggerate the incident, stay rational. |
| road. The good news is that most people can | | | | - Express the emotions that often accompany |
| keep their frustration from escalating into anger, | | | | anger, i.e., hurt, fear, sadness. |
| but for some it's not so easy. | | | | - Explore options related to problem solving. If |
| Hurt and fear are two other primary emotions | | | | your anger is related to an ongoing frustration or |
| that often accompany anger. Anger is often | | | | irritation take time to consider possible solutions to |
| experienced and intensified when these other | | | | resolving the problem. |
| emotions are minimized or ignored. Consequently, | | | | - Rehearse your response and focus on staying in |
| effective anger management involves learning | | | | control, speaking calmly and maintaining a slower |
| how to identify and express hurt and fear in a | | | | pace of speech. |
| healthy fashion. [Keep in mind that the goal is not | | | | - Think before you speak and listen carefully. |
| necessarily to eliminate anger, but rather to | | | | - Use humor to diffuse your anger. |
| process and express it constructively.] | | | | - Make sure that the timing is right for expressing |
| 2. Control Your Initial Response | | | | your thoughts and feelings about an issue. |
| The emotional and physical response triggered by | | | | - Talk openly and honestly with friends, family and |
| a real or perceived offense or threat typically | | | | co-workers and make sure that the important |
| gives way to feelings of anger that can range | | | | ingredients of constructive dialogue are included. |
| from mild agitation to violent rage. The greater | | | | One way to enhance your communication with |
| the sense of hurt, fear and frustration, the | | | | others when it involves difficult issues or painful |
| greater the intensity of your anger. It is always | | | | emotions is to use a communication template. The |
| important to remember that your initial or | | | | one outlined below involves the use of five simple |
| "automatic" response to anger may not be the | | | | sentences that will help you stay focused. |
| most constructive. You need to pay attention to | | | | "When you..." - Make sure you stay objective at |
| your words and actions so that they don't | | | | this point only stating the facts of the situation |
| become a damaging expression of your pain. | | | | not your interpretation of them. |
| Postponing your angry reaction by as little as ten | | | | "I feel..." - Keep in mind that you must identify |
| to twenty seconds can mean the difference | | | | "feelings" at this point not simply more thoughts |
| between a good and bad outcome. During this | | | | disguised by the words "I feel". Pay special |
| time you will want to take several deep breaths | | | | attention to the temptation to use the phrase, "I |
| and consciously tell yourself to "slow down" and | | | | feel that..." - you can't feel that. |
| to "respond" instead of "react". A response is | | | | "And then I..." - Here is your opportunity to |
| characterized by thinking before you act, | | | | describe your thoughts and actions associated |
| considering how your action will impact others, and | | | | with the situation. This will give others a window |
| imagining a positive outcome. A reaction is "knee | | | | of understanding into how their actions impact |
| jerk" in nature and evidenced by thoughtless | | | | you and why. |
| action with little concern for the outcome except | | | | "What I need is..." - Don't be shy about sharing |
| to relieve the tension brought on by the anger. | | | | your needs, wants and desires. People tend to |
| It's important to note that recent research | | | | complain about what they don't want, but stop |
| challenges the once widely held belief in the value | | | | short of clearly identifying what they do want. |
| of letting one's anger out through the release of | | | | Expressing your needs in this way can open up a |
| physical energy, e.g., hitting a pillow or pushing a | | | | dialogue about expectations that can either lead |
| tree. It is now believed that this form of | | | | to agreement or the need for modification. |
| "catharsis" can actually reinforce the expression of | | | | "What I'm willing to do is..." - This statement will |
| hostility and aggression, which may increase the | | | | give you the opportunity to communicate to the |
| likelihood of a similar and even more intense | | | | other person that moving forward in the |
| reaction in the future. | | | | relationship is not all about what they can do or |
| 3. Acknowledge Your Anger and Its Source | | | | change, but rather that it involves responsibility on |
| Go ahead and say it: "I am very angry for being | | | | your part as well. |
| falsely accused, for being criticized, for being | | | | Example: |
| treated poorly or unfairly, for experiencing fear or | | | | "When you arrive home an hour later than you |
| hurt, etc." Admitting to yourself, and, at times, to | | | | say you will I feel fearful, angry and disappointed. |
| those around you, that you are feeling angry is | | | | And then I think you don't care about me or our |
| one of the keys to managing your emotion. | | | | family and that you are inconsiderate. What I |
| Simply saying out loud that you are angry can | | | | need is for you to come home closer to the time |
| help decrease the intensity of your feelings. When | | | | you say you will or for you to let me know that |
| we fail to acknowledge our anger we run the risk | | | | your plans have changed and why. What I'm |
| of holding it in until it overflows or begins to | | | | willing to do is to be more understanding of your |
| destroy us physically, spiritually and emotionally. | | | | situation at work and to be more supportive of |
| Keep in mind that feelings that are buried alive do | | | | those times when things don't work out like you |
| not die! | | | | thought they would." |
| 4. Tell Yourself the Truth | | | | At first you will likely feel awkward and clumsy |
| Here are some objective facts to remember | | | | when using this form of dialogue, but in time it will |
| when feeling angry: | | | | become a natural way for you to communicate |
| "I have been seriously and unjustly treated or | | | | and an important part of your overall emotional |
| hurt. To feel angry about that is normal, but to | | | | management strategy. |
| control my response is in my best interest." | | | | 7. Forgive the Offender |
| "To respond to my anger irrationally or | | | | If the offense you have suffered is personal, |
| aggressively will not serve any positive purpose | | | | unfair and deeply painful it is in your best interest |
| and could actually create greater pain and | | | | to ultimately forgive the offender. Unfortunately, |
| problems for myself and others." | | | | forgiveness is usually not what you want to think |
| "When I choose to ignore or stuff my anger now | | | | about when you have been mistreated and |
| I run the risk of acting it out later which will likely | | | | deeply hurt. Instead, you are likely to be more |
| hurt myself and others in the process." | | | | focused on some form of retaliation. |
| "I am only responsible for how I express my | | | | Unforgiveness often leads to bitterness and |
| anger, not for how someone may choose to | | | | resentment, which means you will personally |
| react to it." | | | | suffer more than you need to. It has been said |
| Practicing rational self-talk is critically important to | | | | that holding on to bitterness is analogous to you |
| managing anger well. Following an angry reaction, | | | | drinking poison expecting the other person to die. |
| make an effort to identify and examine the | | | | A decision to not forgive your offender actually |
| self-talk you engaged in while acting out your | | | | gives them power to continue hurting you long |
| anger. Common irrational and destructive beliefs | | | | after the offense has been committed. |
| may include: | | | | Forgiveness is not easy, but it's very necessary |
| "No one is going to treat me that way and get | | | | for your own well being. A great book on the |
| away with it." | | | | topic of forgiveness is "Forgive and Forget" by |
| "The only way to really get someone to change | | | | Lewis Smedes. It not only helps the reader |
| or to understand what you want is by getting | | | | understand the importance and value of |
| really angry at them." | | | | forgiveness, but it provides assistance in walking |
| "People will think they can take advantage of me | | | | you through the process. |
| if I don't express my anger toward them." | | | | Anger is not always easy to control, however, if |
| "If I don't get angry they will think I'm weak or | | | | you are willing to be honest with yourself and |
| try to control me." | | | | intentional about engaging in the process of |
| 5. Limit Your Exposure to the Things That Trigger | | | | change, you can be successful! |