| One of the major roadblocks to strong | | | | thoughts and situations can intensify your |
| relationships, both at home and at work, is | | | | emotional response. If you find that your |
| the inability to effectively manage one's | | | | anger escalates when you watch the news, read |
| emotions. Of all the emotional, | | | | the newspaper or talk about an offense or |
| psychological and physical responses we | | | | injustice with a friend or co-worker, then |
| experience in life, anger is perhaps the most | | | | you may need to significantly reduce or |
| challenging to process and control on a | | | | eliminate these activities. |
| consistent basis. | | | | |
| | | | The same holds true if you are exposed to |
| How you choose to respond to your anger will | | | | someone who intentionally, or unintentionally |
| make a difference in the quality of your | | | | - we'll give them the benefit of the doubt |
| relationships, your physical and emotional | | | | for now - provokes you by being critical, |
| well being and your effectiveness in bringing | | | | blaming or mean. The best thing you can do |
| about positive and constructive change in | | | | is respectfully excuse yourself from the |
| your life. Here is a list of practical tips | | | | situation and only reengage when cooler heads |
| you can use to help manage your anger more | | | | prevail - especially yours. Finding |
| effectively. | | | | alternative activities to engage in when |
| | | | frustrated or angry like exercising, calling |
| 1. Understand What Anger Is | | | | a friend, reading a book, playing with your |
| | | | children, working around the house, or |
| Anger is a natural, God-designed emotional | | | | watching a funny movie can give you the break |
| and physiological response to negative or | | | | you need to avoid an emotional reaction and |
| threatening circumstances in life. When you | | | | regain a healthy perspective. |
| believe that you have been treated unfairly | | | | |
| or harshly, or when you experience | | | | 6. Take Constructive Action |
| frustration associated with an unmet need or | | | | |
| goal, your mind and body prepare for action. | | | | Effective anger management often includes |
| It is this emotional and physiological | | | | engaging in constructive and creative forms |
| response that we call anger. Anger has the | | | | of expression. Here are some examples of how |
| potential to help us protect ourselves or | | | | you may want to respond to your anger. |
| others and can serve as a catalyst to bring | | | | |
| about needed change. However, its relative | | | | - Identify the specifics of what you are |
| value is largely determined by how we choose | | | | angry about in order to prevent your anger |
| to respond to it. Anger is referred to as a | | | | from being displaced onto other issues and/or |
| "secondary emotion". This simply means that | | | | people. |
| it is an extension of the primary emotion of | | | | |
| frustration. | | | | - Regularly practice relaxation techniques. |
| | | | |
| Everyone experiences some degree of | | | | - Refrain from reliving the experience and |
| frustration on a daily basis whether | | | | intensifying the emotion. |
| associated with not being able to fit into | | | | |
| your favorite blue jeans or the person who | | | | - Don't exaggerate the incident, stay |
| just pulled out in front of you on the road. | | | | rational. |
| The good news is that most people can keep | | | | |
| their frustration from escalating into anger, | | | | - Express the emotions that often accompany |
| but for some it's not so easy. | | | | anger, i.e., hurt, fear, sadness. |
| | | | |
| Hurt and fear are two other primary emotions | | | | - Explore options related to problem solving. |
| that often accompany anger. Anger is often | | | | If your anger is related to an ongoing |
| experienced and intensified when these other | | | | frustration or irritation take time to |
| emotions are minimized or ignored. | | | | consider possible solutions to resolving the |
| Consequently, effective anger management | | | | problem. |
| involves learning how to identify and express | | | | |
| hurt and fear in a healthy fashion. [Keep in | | | | - Rehearse your response and focus on staying |
| mind that the goal is not necessarily to | | | | in control, speaking calmly and maintaining a |
| eliminate anger, but rather to process and | | | | slower pace of speech. |
| express it constructively.] | | | | |
| | | | - Think before you speak and listen |
| 2. Control Your Initial Response | | | | carefully. |
| | | | |
| The emotional and physical response triggered | | | | - Use humor to diffuse your anger. |
| by a real or perceived offense or threat | | | | |
| typically gives way to feelings of anger that | | | | - Make sure that the timing is right for |
| can range from mild agitation to violent | | | | expressing your thoughts and feelings about |
| rage. The greater the sense of hurt, fear | | | | an issue. |
| and frustration, the greater the intensity of | | | | |
| your anger. It is always important to | | | | - Talk openly and honestly with friends, |
| remember that your initial or "automatic" | | | | family and co-workers and make sure that the |
| response to anger may not be the most | | | | important ingredients of constructive |
| constructive. You need to pay attention to | | | | dialogue are included. |
| your words and actions so that they don't | | | | |
| become a damaging expression of your pain. | | | | One way to enhance your communication with |
| | | | others when it involves difficult issues or |
| Postponing your angry reaction by as little | | | | painful emotions is to use a communication |
| as ten to twenty seconds can mean the | | | | template. The one outlined below involves |
| difference between a good and bad outcome. | | | | the use of five simple sentences that will |
| During this time you will want to take | | | | help you stay focused. |
| several deep breaths and consciously tell | | | | |
| yourself to "slow down" and to "respond" | | | | "When you..." - Make sure you stay objective |
| instead of "react". A response is | | | | at this point only stating the facts of the |
| characterized by thinking before you act, | | | | situation not your interpretation of them. |
| considering how your action will impact | | | | |
| others, and imagining a positive outcome. A | | | | "I feel..." - Keep in mind that you must |
| reaction is "knee jerk" in nature and | | | | identify "feelings" at this point not simply |
| evidenced by thoughtless action with little | | | | more thoughts disguised by the words "I |
| concern for the outcome except to relieve the | | | | feel". Pay special attention to the |
| tension brought on by the anger. | | | | temptation to use the phrase, "I feel |
| | | | that..." - you can't feel that. |
| It's important to note that recent research | | | | |
| challenges the once widely held belief in the | | | | "And then I..." - Here is your opportunity to |
| value of letting one's anger out through the | | | | describe your thoughts and actions associated |
| release of physical energy, e.g., hitting a | | | | with the situation. This will give others a |
| pillow or pushing a tree. It is now believed | | | | window of understanding into how their |
| that this form of "catharsis" can actually | | | | actions impact you and why. |
| reinforce the expression of hostility and | | | | |
| aggression, which may increase the likelihood | | | | "What I need is..." - Don't be shy about |
| of a similar and even more intense reaction | | | | sharing your needs, wants and desires. |
| in the future. | | | | People tend to complain about what they don't |
| | | | want, but stop short of clearly identifying |
| 3. Acknowledge Your Anger and Its Source | | | | what they do want. Expressing your needs in |
| | | | this way can open up a dialogue about |
| Go ahead and say it: "I am very angry for | | | | expectations that can either lead to |
| being falsely accused, for being criticized, | | | | agreement or the need for modification. |
| for being treated poorly or unfairly, for | | | | |
| experiencing fear or hurt, etc." Admitting | | | | "What I'm willing to do is..." - This |
| to yourself, and, at times, to those around | | | | statement will give you the opportunity to |
| you, that you are feeling angry is one of the | | | | communicate to the other person that moving |
| keys to managing your emotion. | | | | forward in the relationship is not all about |
| | | | what they can do or change, but rather that |
| Simply saying out loud that you are angry can | | | | it involves responsibility on your part as |
| help decrease the intensity of your feelings. | | | | well. |
| When we fail to acknowledge our anger we run | | | | |
| the risk of holding it in until it overflows | | | | Example: |
| or begins to destroy us physically, | | | | |
| spiritually and emotionally. Keep in mind | | | | "When you arrive home an hour later than you |
| that feelings that are buried alive do not | | | | say you will I feel fearful, angry and |
| die! | | | | disappointed. And then I think you don't |
| | | | care about me or our family and that you are |
| 4. Tell Yourself the Truth | | | | inconsiderate. What I need is for you to |
| | | | come home closer to the time you say you will |
| Here are some objective facts to remember | | | | or for you to let me know that your plans |
| when feeling angry: | | | | have changed and why. What I'm willing to do |
| | | | is to be more understanding of your situation |
| "I have been seriously and unjustly treated | | | | at work and to be more supportive of those |
| or hurt. To feel angry about that is normal, | | | | times when things don't work out like you |
| but to control my response is in my best | | | | thought they would." |
| interest." | | | | |
| | | | At first you will likely feel awkward and |
| "To respond to my anger irrationally or | | | | clumsy when using this form of dialogue, but |
| aggressively will not serve any positive | | | | in time it will become a natural way for you |
| purpose and could actually create greater | | | | to communicate and an important part of your |
| pain and problems for myself and others." | | | | overall emotional management strategy. |
| | | | |
| "When I choose to ignore or stuff my anger | | | | 7. Forgive the Offender |
| now I run the risk of acting it out later | | | | |
| which will likely hurt myself and others in | | | | If the offense you have suffered is personal, |
| the process." | | | | unfair and deeply painful it is in your best |
| | | | interest to ultimately forgive the offender. |
| "I am only responsible for how I express my | | | | Unfortunately, forgiveness is usually not |
| anger, not for how someone may choose to | | | | what you want to think about when you have |
| react to it." | | | | been mistreated and deeply hurt. Instead, |
| | | | you are likely to be more focused on some |
| Practicing rational self-talk is critically | | | | form of retaliation. |
| important to managing anger well. Following | | | | |
| an angry reaction, make an effort to identify | | | | Unforgiveness often leads to bitterness and |
| and examine the self-talk you engaged in | | | | resentment, which means you will personally |
| while acting out your anger. Common | | | | suffer more than you need to. It has been |
| irrational and destructive beliefs may | | | | said that holding on to bitterness is |
| include: | | | | analogous to you drinking poison expecting |
| | | | the other person to die. |
| "No one is going to treat me that way and get | | | | |
| away with it." | | | | A decision to not forgive your offender |
| | | | actually gives them power to continue hurting |
| "The only way to really get someone to change | | | | you long after the offense has been |
| or to understand what you want is by getting | | | | committed. Forgiveness is not easy, but it's |
| really angry at them." | | | | very necessary for your own well being. A |
| | | | great book on the topic of forgiveness is |
| "People will think they can take advantage of | | | | "Forgive and Forget" by Lewis Smedes. It not |
| me if I don't express my anger toward them." | | | | only helps the reader understand the |
| | | | importance and value of forgiveness, but it |
| "If I don't get angry they will think I'm | | | | provides assistance in walking you through |
| weak or try to control me." | | | | the process. |
| | | | |
| 5. Limit Your Exposure to the Things That | | | | Anger is not always easy to control, however, |
| Trigger Your Anger | | | | if you are willing to be honest with yourself |
| | | | and intentional about engaging in the process |
| Repeated exposure to stressful images, | | | | of change, you can be successful! |