| Jose and Juanita have been married for 17 | | | | |
| years, and basically love each other, yet | | | | CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE |
| have been fighting over the same issue almost | | | | |
| every night of those years: She likes it cold | | | | Let's now listen in on what Jose and Juanita |
| at night and he likes it warm in their house | | | | could have said that may have made a HUGE |
| and bedroom. She had just opened their | | | | difference in their communication. |
| bedroom windows for the night. When she left | | | | |
| to visit the bathroom, she heard Jose follow | | | | This is because now they are speaking from |
| her and close all the windows. | | | | their hearts -combining empathy (seeing |
| | | | things from the viewpoint of the other) with |
| Let's eavesdrop to see what we can learn | | | | assertive communication (honestly speaking |
| about this fight and what to do about it. | | | | your feelings and thoughts in a forthright |
| | | | manner) |
| -(curtain up)- | | | | |
| | | | Juanita (should have said something like):"I |
| Juanita: (to Jose) "I can't sleep unless the | | | | feel that I don't have to put up with this, |
| windows are wide open. You know that, but | | | | although I also feel bad that you have to |
| insist on closing them every night, just so | | | | suffer. I tell myself that if you really |
| I'll be miserable. You are selfish and | | | | loved me, you would want me to be comfortable |
| inconsiderate." | | | | at night. |
| | | | |
| Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why | | | | I also ask myself why should I always give |
| should I have to freeze? You always get your | | | | in? I work hard all day too and deserve some |
| way. It is so cold in here you could hang | | | | consideration. All I'm asking for is a decent |
| meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No | | | | night's sleep, but then, I wonder if I am |
| NORMAL person would want it this cold!" | | | | being too selfish." |
| | | | |
| (curtain down) | | | | Jose (should have said something like):"I do |
| | | | really love you and I want you to be |
| IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM? | | | | comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here |
| | | | at night for me that I can't sleep. |
| Depends on the specific marriage. For some | | | | |
| couples, the solution would be a simple | | | | We both want a good night's sleep and want to |
| compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a | | | | be able to continue sleeping together in the |
| room thermometer and agree to always keep the | | | | same room. Let's find a way to discuss it so |
| room at an agreed upon temperature both could | | | | it doesn't make us so angry at each other." |
| live with. | | | | |
| | | | Granted, it is not easy to confide when in |
| In many marriages, however, a problem like | | | | the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it |
| this is not easily solved-it becomes | | | | is often better to first take a time out, |
| "perpetual"-and trying to "solve" it only | | | | calm down and then communicate what is in |
| creates anger and tension. For Jose and | | | | your heart. The following communication tips |
| Juanita, this unfortunately was the case. | | | | will help: |
| | | | |
| Why is a simple problem like this not | | | | FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS |
| solvable for our couple and in many other | | | | |
| marriages? Could be many reasons, but the | | | | Tip 1- Don't only focus on the issue. Also |
| usual culprits are: | | | | discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner |
| | | | conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what |
| (1) The couple is engaged in a "power" or | | | | is going on in both your heart and your mind. |
| "control" struggle. This means the fight | | | | |
| isn't about the issue anymore-it is about who | | | | Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each |
| will win or lose. | | | | other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process |
| | | | of communication. |
| (2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is | | | | |
| emotionally tied into other personal or | | | | Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the |
| marital issues. If this is the case, the more | | | | time. Wise and successful married people have |
| pressure put on the person to "change," the | | | | discovered that often it is preferable to be |
| more the person resists. | | | | happy than to be right! |
| | | | |
| For instance, turns out that Juanita | | | | Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love |
| literally panics if in a room without air | | | | them enough to want to join them so together |
| flow due to issues in her childhood. | | | | you can find a way to deal with the issue or |
| Depriving her of fresh air flow literally | | | | problem. |
| makes her want to fight for her life. | | | | |