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Confide For Less Anger In Your Marriage

Jose and Juanita have been married for 17
years, and basically love each other, yetCONFIDING  MAKES  THE  DIFFERENCE
have been fighting over the same issue almost
every night of those years: She likes it coldLet's now listen in on what Jose and Juanita
at night and he likes it warm in their housecould have said that may have made a HUGE
and bedroom. She had just opened theirdifference  in  their  communication.
bedroom windows for the night. When she left
to visit the bathroom, she heard Jose followThis is because now they are speaking from
her  and  close  all  the  windows.their hearts -combining empathy (seeing
things from the viewpoint of the other) with
Let's eavesdrop to see what we can learnassertive communication (honestly speaking
about  this  fight  and  what to do about it.your feelings and thoughts in a forthright
manner)
-(curtain  up)-
Juanita (should have said something like):"I
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can't sleep unless thefeel that I don't have to put up with this,
windows are wide open. You know that, butalthough I also feel bad that you have to
insist on closing them every night, just sosuffer. I tell myself that if you really
I'll be miserable. You are selfish andloved me, you would want me to be comfortable
inconsiderate."at  night.
Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. WhyI also ask myself why should I always give
should I have to freeze? You always get yourin? I work hard all day too and deserve some
way. It is so cold in here you could hangconsideration. All I'm asking for is a decent
meat! Are you trying to get me sick? Nonight's sleep, but then, I wonder if I am
NORMAL  person  would  want  it  this  cold!"being  too  selfish."
(curtain  down)Jose (should have said something like):"I do
really love you and I want you to be
IS  THIS  A  SOLVABLE  PROBLEM?comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here
at  night  for  me  that  I  can't  sleep.
Depends on the specific marriage. For some
couples, the solution would be a simpleWe both want a good night's sleep and want to
compromise of some sort; for instance, buy abe able to continue sleeping together in the
room thermometer and agree to always keep thesame room. Let's find a way to discuss it so
room at an agreed upon temperature both couldit  doesn't  make us so angry at each other."
live  with.
Granted, it is not easy to confide when in
In many marriages, however, a problem likethe heat of marital battle. Consequently, it
this is not easily solved-it becomesis often better to first take a time out,
"perpetual"-and trying to "solve" it onlycalm down and then communicate what is in
creates anger and tension. For Jose andyour heart. The following communication tips
Juanita,  this  unfortunately  was  the case.will  help:
Why is a simple problem like this notFOUR  COMMUNICATION  TIPS
solvable for our couple and in many other
marriages? Could be many reasons, but theTip 1- Don't only focus on the issue. Also
usual  culprits  are:discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner
conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what
(1) The couple is engaged in a "power" oris going on in both your heart and your mind.
"control" struggle. This means the fight
isn't about the issue anymore-it is about whoTip 2- Look at how you communicate with each
will  win  or  lose.other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process
of  communication.
(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is
emotionally tied into other personal orTip 3- Give up needing to be right all the
marital issues. If this is the case, the moretime. Wise and successful married people have
pressure put on the person to "change," thediscovered that often it is preferable to be
more  the  person  resists.happy  than  to  be  right!
For instance, turns out that JuanitaTip 4- Convey to your partner that you love
literally panics if in a room without airthem enough to want to join them so together
flow due to issues in her childhood.you can find a way to deal with the issue or
Depriving her of fresh air flow literallyproblem.
makes  her  want  to  fight  for  her  life.



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