| Jose and Juanita have been married for 17 years, | | | | CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE |
| and basically love each other, yet have been | | | | Let's now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could |
| fighting over the same issue almost every night | | | | have said that may have made a HUGE |
| of those years: She likes it cold at night and he | | | | difference in their communication. |
| likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had | | | | This is because now they are speaking from their |
| just opened their bedroom windows for the night. | | | | hearts -combining empathy (seeing things from |
| When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard | | | | the viewpoint of the other) with assertive |
| Jose follow her and close all the windows. | | | | communication (honestly speaking your feelings |
| Let's eavesdrop to see what we can learn about | | | | and thoughts in a forthright manner) |
| this fight and what to do about it. | | | | Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel |
| -(curtain up)- | | | | that I don't have to put up with this, although I |
| Juanita: (to Jose) "I can't sleep unless the windows | | | | also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself |
| are wide open. You know that, but insist on | | | | that if you really loved me, you would want me |
| closing them every night, just so I'll be miserable. | | | | to be comfortable at night. |
| You are selfish and inconsiderate." | | | | I also ask myself why should I always give in? I |
| Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why | | | | work hard all day too and deserve some |
| should I have to freeze? You always get your | | | | consideration. All I'm asking for is a decent night's |
| way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! | | | | sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish." |
| Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL | | | | Jose (should have said something like):"I do really |
| person would want it this cold!" | | | | love you and I want you to be comfortable too, |
| (curtain down) | | | | but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I |
| IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM? | | | | can't sleep. |
| Depends on the specific marriage. For some | | | | We both want a good night's sleep and want to |
| couples, the solution would be a simple | | | | be able to continue sleeping together in the same |
| compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a | | | | room. Let's find a way to discuss it so it doesn't |
| room thermometer and agree to always keep | | | | make us so angry at each other." |
| the room at an agreed upon temperature both | | | | Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the |
| could live with. | | | | heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often |
| In many marriages, however, a problem like this is | | | | better to first take a time out, calm down and |
| not easily solved-it becomes "perpetual"-and trying | | | | then communicate what is in your heart. The |
| to "solve" it only creates anger and tension. For | | | | following communication tips will help: |
| Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case. | | | | FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS |
| Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for | | | | Tip 1- Don't only focus on the issue. Also discuss |
| our couple and in many other marriages? Could be | | | | your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts |
| many reasons, but the usual culprits are: | | | | surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in |
| (1) The couple is engaged in a "power" or "control" | | | | both your heart and your mind. |
| struggle. This means the fight isn't about the issue | | | | Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each |
| anymore-it is about who will win or lose. | | | | other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of |
| (2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is | | | | communication. |
| emotionally tied into other personal or marital | | | | Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. |
| issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put | | | | Wise and successful married people have |
| on the person to "change," the more the person | | | | discovered that often it is preferable to be happy |
| resists. | | | | than to be right! |
| For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics | | | | Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love |
| if in a room without air flow due to issues in her | | | | them enough to want to join them so together |
| childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally | | | | you can find a way to deal with the issue or |
| makes her want to fight for her life. | | | | problem. |