| Early in my research on anger, I was
| |
| | in direct contact with pain, then what
|
| asking prominent professors and
| |
| | you get is one heck of a fire.
|
| psychologists to explain the anger
| |
| | To give you an example: I once hit my
|
| process to me. Their answers of course
| |
| | shin on the corner of a wooden coffee
|
| were never simplistic in nature because
| |
| | table as I was walking through the living
|
| they went into a level of detail that I
| |
| | room of my house one day. It hurt like
|
| knew the lay-person would have difficulty
| |
| | hell. I was so pissed off at the table
|
| understanding. After I wrote my book,
| |
| | for "hurting me" that I kicked it and
|
| Street Negotiation-How to Resolve Any
| |
| | broke one of the legs to the table.
|
| Conflict Anytime, I had a much greater
| |
| | Yeah, inside I felt an evil sense of
|
| understanding of anger and I found that
| |
| | revenge because I told that table who was
|
| anger really amounts to two things: Pain
| |
| | boss...that was until I tried setting a
|
| and Blame.
| |
| | glass of juice on that same table later
|
| Pain is Like Gasoline
| |
| | that day only to have it fall off and
|
| Think of pain as the fuel for a fire that
| |
| | onto the carpet because of the broken
|
| is anger. Pain is your gasoline for your
| |
| | table leg. Blame makes us feel good in
|
| anger. When I refer to pain, I mean both
| |
| | the short run, but the long-term effects
|
| physical or emotional pain. Pain is a
| |
| | it has on our relationships can be
|
| warning signal or stimulus to your mind
| |
| | devastating. Just like when I broke my
|
| that you are about to get injured, either
| |
| | coffee table, blame can make us feel
|
| physically or emotionally, and that it's
| |
| | great and in control because we are
|
| time to place as much distance from that
| |
| | venting our pain away, but it can also
|
| pain as possible in the act of
| |
| | permanently damage our relationships-or,
|
| self-preservation. This is what
| |
| | in my case, my nice coffee table.
|
| generates the famous "fight or flight
| |
| | Pain Can't be Avoided, Blaming Can
|
| response" from our sympathetic nervous
| |
| | So then you might ask-how can I manage my
|
| system.
| |
| | anger? Well, we have very little control
|
| Now let's go back to the gasoline
| |
| | over the amount of pain that we
|
| analogy. We know that gas is very
| |
| | experience our lives. We can never truly
|
| dangerous near an open fire. But is gas
| |
| | avoid accidents, or headaches, or stomach
|
| in and of itself something to be feared?
| |
| | pains, or breakups, or conflicts-these
|
| Not really. It's controllable and we
| |
| | pains that we experience are a normal
|
| bottle it up and ship it all over the
| |
| | part of the life process. What we can
|
| world. We sit right underneath about 15
| |
| | change in the anger formula is the blame.
|
| gallons of it everyday on our way to
| |
| | We choose to blame someone, something,
|
| work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not
| |
| | even ourselves for our pain, but that
|
| start fires by itself. Gasoline only
| |
| | doesn't need to happen. We blame because
|
| becomes deadly when the fire has begun
| |
| | then it erases our responsibility for our
|
| and the gas is fueling that fire to burn
| |
| | own actions and instead projects that
|
| hotter and more out of control. Remember
| |
| | responsibility onto another person.
|
| that a fire can't be put out if gas is
| |
| | Blame is an easy way to get rid of pain,
|
| still being fed to that fire. To stop a
| |
| | but with serious consequences. We blame
|
| fire that has already started, that
| |
| | when we cannot fully express our own
|
| source of fuel must first be shut off.
| |
| | feelings, either to ourselves or to
|
| Blame is Like the Lighted Match
| |
| | others. Instead of blaming, try to
|
| So if pain does not start anger, then
| |
| | simply express your feelings openly
|
| what does? Well, it's the combination of
| |
| | without any blaming, judgments, or
|
| pain and blame which make anger happen.
| |
| | accusations. Do this by using, "I feel"
|
| Blame is the act of choosing to make
| |
| | statements, rather than "you" statements.
|
| yourself a victim and the other person
| |
| | This is more difficult than it sounds,
|
| the villain. Blame creates the channel
| |
| | but if you practice during normal
|
| from which you can project all your pain
| |
| | conversations expressing how you feel,
|
| out towards another person. A lot of
| |
| | instead of focusing on the actions or
|
| psychologists will refer to this as
| |
| | behavior of the other person of which you
|
| trigger thoughts, but essentially it's
| |
| | have little or no control over, you will
|
| the act of defaulting responsibility for
| |
| | condition yourself to respond
|
| your actions onto another person and
| |
| | compassionately, rather than with anger.
|
| assuming the role of a victim. Blame is
| |
| | Remember, pain comes to us all, but we
|
| the lighted match that sets the pain on
| |
| | have the choice of starting the anger
|
| fire. Blame on its own, in absence of
| |
| | process by blaming the other person, or
|
| pain, is like a wooden match-you can
| |
| | we can choose to express our pain without
|
| light it up in the beginning, but without
| |
| | blame and deal with the situation
|
| any source of fuel, it quickly burns out
| |
| | compassionately.
|
| on its own. However, if you bring blame
| |
| |
|