| Early in my research on anger, I was asking | | | | heck of a fire. |
| prominent professors and psychologists to explain | | | | To give you an example: I once hit my shin on |
| the anger process to me. Their answers of | | | | the corner of a wooden coffee table as I was |
| course were never simplistic in nature because | | | | walking through the living room of my house one |
| they went into a level of detail that I knew the | | | | day. It hurt like hell. I was so pissed off at the |
| lay-person would have difficulty understanding. | | | | table for "hurting me" that I kicked it and broke |
| After I wrote my book, Street Negotiation-How | | | | one of the legs to the table. Yeah, inside I felt an |
| to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime, I had a much | | | | evil sense of revenge because I told that table |
| greater understanding of anger and I found that | | | | who was boss...that was until I tried setting a |
| anger really amounts to two things: Pain and | | | | glass of juice on that same table later that day |
| Blame. | | | | only to have it fall off and onto the carpet |
| Pain is Like Gasoline | | | | because of the broken table leg. Blame makes us |
| Think of pain as the fuel for a fire that is anger. | | | | feel good in the short run, but the long-term |
| Pain is your gasoline for your anger. When I refer | | | | effects it has on our relationships can be |
| to pain, I mean both physical or emotional pain. | | | | devastating. Just like when I broke my coffee |
| Pain is a warning signal or stimulus to your mind | | | | table, blame can make us feel great and in control |
| that you are about to get injured, either physically | | | | because we are venting our pain away, but it can |
| or emotionally, and that it's time to place as much | | | | also permanently damage our relationships-or, in |
| distance from that pain as possible in the act of | | | | my case, my nice coffee table. |
| self-preservation. This is what generates the | | | | Pain Can't be Avoided, Blaming Can |
| famous "fight or flight response" from our | | | | So then you might ask-how can I manage my |
| sympathetic nervous system. | | | | anger? Well, we have very little control over the |
| Now let's go back to the gasoline analogy. We | | | | amount of pain that we experience our lives. We |
| know that gas is very dangerous near an open | | | | can never truly avoid accidents, or headaches, or |
| fire. But is gas in and of itself something to be | | | | stomach pains, or breakups, or conflicts-these |
| feared? Not really. It's controllable and we bottle it | | | | pains that we experience are a normal part of |
| up and ship it all over the world. We sit right | | | | the life process. What we can change in the anger |
| underneath about 15 gallons of it everyday on our | | | | formula is the blame. We choose to blame |
| way to work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not | | | | someone, something, even ourselves for our pain, |
| start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly | | | | but that doesn't need to happen. We blame |
| when the fire has begun and the gas is fueling | | | | because then it erases our responsibility for our |
| that fire to burn hotter and more out of control. | | | | own actions and instead projects that |
| Remember that a fire can't be put out if gas is | | | | responsibility onto another person. Blame is an |
| still being fed to that fire. To stop a fire that has | | | | easy way to get rid of pain, but with serious |
| already started, that source of fuel must first be | | | | consequences. We blame when we cannot fully |
| shut off. | | | | express our own feelings, either to ourselves or |
| Blame is Like the Lighted Match | | | | to others. Instead of blaming, try to simply |
| So if pain does not start anger, then what does? | | | | express your feelings openly without any blaming, |
| Well, it's the combination of pain and blame which | | | | judgments, or accusations. Do this by using, "I |
| make anger happen. Blame is the act of choosing | | | | feel" statements, rather than "you" statements. |
| to make yourself a victim and the other person | | | | This is more difficult than it sounds, but if you |
| the villain. Blame creates the channel from which | | | | practice during normal conversations expressing |
| you can project all your pain out towards another | | | | how you feel, instead of focusing on the actions |
| person. A lot of psychologists will refer to this as | | | | or behavior of the other person of which you |
| trigger thoughts, but essentially it's the act of | | | | have little or no control over, you will condition |
| defaulting responsibility for your actions onto | | | | yourself to respond compassionately, rather than |
| another person and assuming the role of a victim. | | | | with anger. |
| Blame is the lighted match that sets the pain on | | | | Remember, pain comes to us all, but we have the |
| fire. Blame on its own, in absence of pain, is like a | | | | choice of starting the anger process by blaming |
| wooden match-you can light it up in the beginning, | | | | the other person, or we can choose to express |
| but without any source of fuel, it quickly burns | | | | our pain without blame and deal with the situation |
| out on its own. However, if you bring blame in | | | | compassionately. |
| direct contact with pain, then what you get is one | | | | |