| Early in my research on anger, I was asking | | | | blame in direct contact with pain, then what |
| prominent professors and psychologists to | | | | you get is one heck of a fire. |
| explain the anger process to me. Their | | | | |
| answers of course were never simplistic in | | | | To give you an example: I once hit my shin |
| nature because they went into a level of | | | | on the corner of a wooden coffee table as I |
| detail that I knew the lay-person would have | | | | was walking through the living room of my |
| difficulty understanding. After I wrote my | | | | house one day. It hurt like hell. I was so |
| book, Street Negotiation-How to Resolve Any | | | | pissed off at the table for "hurting me" that |
| Conflict Anytime, I had a much greater | | | | I kicked it and broke one of the legs to the |
| understanding of anger and I found that anger | | | | table. Yeah, inside I felt an evil sense of |
| really amounts to two things: Pain and | | | | revenge because I told that table who was |
| Blame. | | | | boss...that was until I tried setting a glass |
| | | | of juice on that same table later that day |
| Pain is Like Gasoline | | | | only to have it fall off and onto the carpet |
| | | | because of the broken table leg. Blame makes |
| Think of pain as the fuel for a fire that is | | | | us feel good in the short run, but the |
| anger. Pain is your gasoline for your anger. | | | | long-term effects it has on our relationships |
| When I refer to pain, I mean both physical | | | | can be devastating. Just like when I broke |
| or emotional pain. Pain is a warning signal | | | | my coffee table, blame can make us feel great |
| or stimulus to your mind that you are about | | | | and in control because we are venting our |
| to get injured, either physically or | | | | pain away, but it can also permanently damage |
| emotionally, and that it's time to place as | | | | our relationships-or, in my case, my nice |
| much distance from that pain as possible in | | | | coffee table. |
| the act of self-preservation. This is what | | | | |
| generates the famous "fight or flight | | | | Pain Can't be Avoided, Blaming Can |
| response" from our sympathetic nervous | | | | |
| system. | | | | So then you might ask-how can I manage my |
| | | | anger? Well, we have very little control |
| Now let's go back to the gasoline analogy. | | | | over the amount of pain that we experience |
| We know that gas is very dangerous near an | | | | our lives. We can never truly avoid |
| open fire. But is gas in and of itself | | | | accidents, or headaches, or stomach pains, or |
| something to be feared? Not really. It's | | | | breakups, or conflicts-these pains that we |
| controllable and we bottle it up and ship it | | | | experience are a normal part of the life |
| all over the world. We sit right underneath | | | | process. What we can change in the anger |
| about 15 gallons of it everyday on our way to | | | | formula is the blame. We choose to blame |
| work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not | | | | someone, something, even ourselves for our |
| start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes | | | | pain, but that doesn't need to happen. We |
| deadly when the fire has begun and the gas is | | | | blame because then it erases our |
| fueling that fire to burn hotter and more out | | | | responsibility for our own actions and |
| of control. Remember that a fire can't be | | | | instead projects that responsibility onto |
| put out if gas is still being fed to that | | | | another person. Blame is an easy way to get |
| fire. To stop a fire that has already | | | | rid of pain, but with serious consequences. |
| started, that source of fuel must first be | | | | We blame when we cannot fully express our own |
| shut off. | | | | feelings, either to ourselves or to others. |
| | | | Instead of blaming, try to simply express |
| Blame is Like the Lighted Match | | | | your feelings openly without any blaming, |
| | | | judgments, or accusations. Do this by using, |
| So if pain does not start anger, then what | | | | "I feel" statements, rather than "you" |
| does? Well, it's the combination of pain and | | | | statements. |
| blame which make anger happen. Blame is the | | | | |
| act of choosing to make yourself a victim and | | | | This is more difficult than it sounds, but if |
| the other person the villain. Blame creates | | | | you practice during normal conversations |
| the channel from which you can project all | | | | expressing how you feel, instead of focusing |
| your pain out towards another person. A lot | | | | on the actions or behavior of the other |
| of psychologists will refer to this as | | | | person of which you have little or no control |
| trigger thoughts, but essentially it's the | | | | over, you will condition yourself to respond |
| act of defaulting responsibility for your | | | | compassionately, rather than with anger. |
| actions onto another person and assuming the | | | | |
| role of a victim. Blame is the lighted match | | | | Remember, pain comes to us all, but we have |
| that sets the pain on fire. Blame on its | | | | the choice of starting the anger process by |
| own, in absence of pain, is like a wooden | | | | blaming the other person, or we can choose to |
| match-you can light it up in the beginning, | | | | express our pain without blame and deal with |
| but without any source of fuel, it quickly | | | | the situation compassionately. |
| burns out on its own. However, if you bring | | | | |