| Early in my research on anger, I was
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| | in direct contact with pain, then what
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| asking prominent professors and
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| | you get is one heck of a fire.
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| psychologists to explain the anger
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| | To give you an example: I once hit my
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| process to me. Their answers of course
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| | shin on the corner of a wooden coffee
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| were never simplistic in nature because
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| | table as I was walking through the living
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| they went into a level of detail that I
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| | room of my house one day. It hurt like
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| knew the lay-person would have difficulty
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| | hell. I was so pissed off at the table
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| understanding. After I wrote my book,
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| | for "hurting me" that I kicked it and
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| Street Negotiation-How to Resolve Any
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| | broke one of the legs to the table.
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| Conflict Anytime, I had a much greater
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| | Yeah, inside I felt an evil sense of
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| understanding of anger and I found that
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| | revenge because I told that table who was
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| anger really amounts to two things: Pain
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| | boss...that was until I tried setting a
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| and Blame.
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| | glass of juice on that same table later
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| Pain is Like Gasoline
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| | that day only to have it fall off and
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| Think of pain as the fuel for a fire that
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| | onto the carpet because of the broken
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| is anger. Pain is your gasoline for your
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| | table leg. Blame makes us feel good in
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| anger. When I refer to pain, I mean both
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| | the short run, but the long-term effects
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| physical or emotional pain. Pain is a
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| | it has on our relationships can be
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| warning signal or stimulus to your mind
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| | devastating. Just like when I broke my
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| that you are about to get injured, either
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| | coffee table, blame can make us feel
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| physically or emotionally, and that it's
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| | great and in control because we are
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| time to place as much distance from that
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| | venting our pain away, but it can also
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| pain as possible in the act of
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| | permanently damage our relationships-or,
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| self-preservation. This is what
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| | in my case, my nice coffee table.
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| generates the famous "fight or flight
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| | Pain Can't be Avoided, Blaming Can
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| response" from our sympathetic nervous
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| | So then you might ask-how can I manage my
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| system.
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| | anger? Well, we have very little control
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| Now let's go back to the gasoline
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| | over the amount of pain that we
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| analogy. We know that gas is very
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| | experience our lives. We can never truly
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| dangerous near an open fire. But is gas
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| | avoid accidents, or headaches, or stomach
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| in and of itself something to be feared?
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| | pains, or breakups, or conflicts-these
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| Not really. It's controllable and we
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| | pains that we experience are a normal
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| bottle it up and ship it all over the
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| | part of the life process. What we can
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| world. We sit right underneath about 15
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| | change in the anger formula is the blame.
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| gallons of it everyday on our way to
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| | We choose to blame someone, something,
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| work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not
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| | even ourselves for our pain, but that
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| start fires by itself. Gasoline only
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| | doesn't need to happen. We blame because
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| becomes deadly when the fire has begun
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| | then it erases our responsibility for our
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| and the gas is fueling that fire to burn
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| | own actions and instead projects that
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| hotter and more out of control. Remember
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| | responsibility onto another person.
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| that a fire can't be put out if gas is
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| | Blame is an easy way to get rid of pain,
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| still being fed to that fire. To stop a
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| | but with serious consequences. We blame
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| fire that has already started, that
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| | when we cannot fully express our own
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| source of fuel must first be shut off.
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| | feelings, either to ourselves or to
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| Blame is Like the Lighted Match
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| | others. Instead of blaming, try to
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| So if pain does not start anger, then
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| | simply express your feelings openly
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| what does? Well, it's the combination of
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| | without any blaming, judgments, or
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| pain and blame which make anger happen.
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| | accusations. Do this by using, "I feel"
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| Blame is the act of choosing to make
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| | statements, rather than "you" statements.
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| yourself a victim and the other person
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| | This is more difficult than it sounds,
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| the villain. Blame creates the channel
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| | but if you practice during normal
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| from which you can project all your pain
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| | conversations expressing how you feel,
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| out towards another person. A lot of
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| | instead of focusing on the actions or
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| psychologists will refer to this as
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| | behavior of the other person of which you
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| trigger thoughts, but essentially it's
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| | have little or no control over, you will
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| the act of defaulting responsibility for
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| | condition yourself to respond
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| your actions onto another person and
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| | compassionately, rather than with anger.
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| assuming the role of a victim. Blame is
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| | Remember, pain comes to us all, but we
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| the lighted match that sets the pain on
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| | have the choice of starting the anger
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| fire. Blame on its own, in absence of
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| | process by blaming the other person, or
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| pain, is like a wooden match-you can
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| | we can choose to express our pain without
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| light it up in the beginning, but without
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| | blame and deal with the situation
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| any source of fuel, it quickly burns out
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| | compassionately.
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| on its own. However, if you bring blame
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