| What's missing in "anger management," "anger | | | | When you focus your attention on limitations |
| control," and just "dealing with anger?" Why | | | | and fear as Pat did, anger is an |
| not use these anger management techniques if | | | | understandable response. |
| you're angry? They miss the upside of anger: | | | | |
| how to use your anger to create the life you | | | | ~~ "Then what do you suggest I focus my |
| truly want. No, is not about becoming that | | | | attention on?" ~~ |
| "angry man" or "angry woman" who scares | | | | |
| people into submission. Here you'll find | | | | We believe that lying beneath people's anger |
| something much more enjoyable: the secrets | | | | are things they value that are missing in the |
| for getting to the heart of anger and a | | | | situation. The most effective way we've found |
| simple process for using your anger to create | | | | to move from feeling angry to creating a |
| a truly satisfying life. | | | | satisfying life is to start by figuring out |
| | | | what's at the heart of anger - what we value. |
| Do you ever feel guilty or confused when you | | | | In this situation one thing Pat may highly |
| get angry? Do you look for reasons that | | | | value is peacefulness. So what prevents Pat |
| justify your anger? Anger is not the problem. | | | | from being peaceful in this situation? It may |
| And guess what, neither are you. You heard | | | | be that Pat needs more predictability in |
| right. Anger is not the problem. The problem | | | | order to have a sense of peacefulness. |
| is not being able to identify what it is that | | | | |
| makes you angry so you can do something about | | | | Once you know what you need, you're able to |
| it. Read on to discover how you can get the | | | | take action to get those needs met. As one |
| heart of anger so you can use your anger to | | | | example, Pat may want to make an agreement |
| help create the life you really want. | | | | with Leslie to call if either of them will be |
| | | | late. |
| ~~ "What makes me so angry?" ~~ | | | | |
| | | | ~~ "So, how can I use this in my life?" ~~ |
| We usually become angry because two things | | | | |
| are happening. First, we believe that someone | | | | The most effective "anger management" starts |
| or something is preventing us from getting | | | | with understanding that anger is not the |
| what we want. Second, we believe that | | | | problem. Next you can begin to notice the |
| something either should or should not be | | | | very first moment when you start to feel |
| happening the way it is. This thinking | | | | tense or irritated. This is the best time to |
| focuses our attention entirely on limitation | | | | use your anger as an alarm bell, warning you |
| and fear. | | | | to shift your focus of attention. Then you |
| | | | single out any should/shouldn't, judgment |
| Think about it, if all of your attention is | | | | type statements you hear yourself thinking. |
| focused on not getting what you want, and | | | | |
| what should or shouldn't happen, how would | | | | Once you have a statement to work with, you |
| you expect to feel? Is it any wonder this | | | | get to the heart of anger by exploring each |
| kind of thinking results in stress, tension, | | | | of these statements. You discover the hidden |
| and confusion? How else would you feel but | | | | values within it, like how Pat values |
| angry? | | | | peacefulness. When you identify what you |
| | | | value, you ask yourself the question: "What |
| When you learn that all anger comes from | | | | do I need in order to experience what I value |
| focusing your attention on these things, then | | | | right now in this situation?" Like Pat's need |
| your anger can become a warning bell that you | | | | for predictability. Then think of some ways |
| need to re-focus your attention. So that's | | | | you might be able to get that need met and |
| the upside of anger: it's always a reminder | | | | start to experience what you value. The same |
| to focus your attention on creating the life | | | | way Pat and Leslie agreed to call if they |
| you want. | | | | will be late. |
| | | | |
| Here's an example: Pat was waiting for Leslie | | | | Don't look back in anger at what's just |
| at their favorite restaurant. They agreed to | | | | happened; look ahead to see how you can get |
| meet at 7:15. After waiting for 20 minutes, | | | | what you need so you will start experiencing |
| Pat began to feel a little angry. "Leslie | | | | what you value. When you focus your attention |
| knows I hate waiting. We had an agreement. | | | | on what you value, what you need, and how |
| How selfish ... Not even a phone call to | | | | you're going to get those needs met, anger |
| explain ... I'm only waiting another five | | | | can be transformed into an opportunity to |
| minutes and then I'm leaving ..." Pat | | | | create a truly enjoyable life where you |
| thought. And the more Pat had these thoughts, | | | | experience what you truly value. |
| the angrier Pat felt. | | | | |
| | | | If you're ready for moreeffective anger |
| Let's explore these thoughts that made Pat so | | | | management skills and personal growth |
| angry. It sounds like Pat believes that | | | | coaching, sign up for our thought-provoking |
| Leslie should not be late if they had an | | | | and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail |
| agreement, that the evening would be ruined | | | | series at: |
| by Leslie's late arrival, and that if people | | | | |
| really cared about each other they would call | | | | Each tip offers practical advice for creating |
| and explain the sudden change in plans. | | | | and living the life you really want. |
| | | | |