| What's missing in "anger management," "anger | | | | When you focus your attention on limitations and |
| control," and just "dealing with anger?" Why not | | | | fear as Pat did, anger is an understandable |
| use these anger management techniques if you're | | | | response. |
| angry? They miss the upside of anger: how to | | | | ~~ "Then what do you suggest I focus my |
| use your anger to create the life you truly want. | | | | attention on?" ~~ |
| No, is not about becoming that "angry man" or | | | | We believe that lying beneath people's anger are |
| "angry woman" who scares people into | | | | things they value that are missing in the situation. |
| submission. Here you'll find something much more | | | | The most effective way we've found to move |
| enjoyable: the secrets for getting to the heart of | | | | from feeling angry to creating a satisfying life is |
| anger and a simple process for using your anger | | | | to start by figuring out what's at the heart of |
| to create a truly satisfying life. | | | | anger - what we value. In this situation one thing |
| Do you ever feel guilty or confused when you | | | | Pat may highly value is peacefulness. So what |
| get angry? Do you look for reasons that justify | | | | prevents Pat from being peaceful in this situation? |
| your anger? Anger is not the problem. And guess | | | | It may be that Pat needs more predictability in |
| what, neither are you. You heard right. Anger is | | | | order to have a sense of peacefulness. |
| not the problem. The problem is not being able to | | | | Once you know what you need, you're able to |
| identify what it is that makes you angry so you | | | | take action to get those needs met. As one |
| can do something about it. Read on to discover | | | | example, Pat may want to make an agreement |
| how you can get the heart of anger so you can | | | | with Leslie to call if either of them will be late. |
| use your anger to help create the life you really | | | | ~~ "So, how can I use this in my life?" ~~ |
| want. | | | | The most effective "anger management" starts |
| ~~ "What makes me so angry?" ~~ | | | | with understanding that anger is not the problem. |
| We usually become angry because two things are | | | | Next you can begin to notice the very first |
| happening. First, we believe that someone or | | | | moment when you start to feel tense or irritated. |
| something is preventing us from getting what we | | | | This is the best time to use your anger as an |
| want. Second, we believe that something either | | | | alarm bell, warning you to shift your focus of |
| should or should not be happening the way it is. | | | | attention. Then you single out any should |
| This thinking focuses our attention entirely on | | | | shouldn't, judgment type statements you hear |
| limitation and fear. | | | | yourself thinking. |
| Think about it, if all of your attention is focused | | | | Once you have a statement to work with, you |
| on not getting what you want, and what should | | | | get to the heart of anger by exploring each of |
| or shouldn't happen, how would you expect to | | | | these statements. You discover the hidden values |
| feel? Is it any wonder this kind of thinking results | | | | within it, like how Pat values peacefulness. When |
| in stress, tension, and confusion? How else would | | | | you identify what you value, you ask yourself the |
| you feel but angry? | | | | question: "What do I need in order to experience |
| When you learn that all anger comes from | | | | what I value right now in this situation?" Like Pat's |
| focusing your attention on these things, then your | | | | need for predictability. Then think of some ways |
| anger can become a warning bell that you need | | | | you might be able to get that need met and start |
| to re-focus your attention. So that's the upside of | | | | to experience what you value. The same way |
| anger: it's always a reminder to focus your | | | | Pat and Leslie agreed to call if they will be late. |
| attention on creating the life you want. | | | | Don't look back in anger at what's just happened; |
| Here's an example: Pat was waiting for Leslie at | | | | look ahead to see how you can get what you |
| their favorite restaurant. They agreed to meet at | | | | need so you will start experiencing what you |
| 7:15. After waiting for 20 minutes, Pat began to | | | | value. When you focus your attention on what |
| feel a little angry. "Leslie knows I hate waiting. We | | | | you value, what you need, and how you're going |
| had an agreement. How selfish ... Not even a | | | | to get those needs met, anger can be |
| phone call to explain ... I'm only waiting another | | | | transformed into an opportunity to create a truly |
| five minutes and then I'm leaving ..." Pat thought. | | | | enjoyable life where you experience what you |
| And the more Pat had these thoughts, the angrier | | | | truly value. |
| Pat felt. | | | | If you're ready for moreeffective anger |
| Let's explore these thoughts that made Pat so | | | | management skills and personal growth coaching, |
| angry. It sounds like Pat believes that Leslie should | | | | sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational |
| not be late if they had an agreement, that the | | | | Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: |
| evening would be ruined by Leslie's late arrival, and | | | | Each tip offers practical advice for creating and |
| that if people really cared about each other they | | | | living the life you really want. |
| would call and explain the sudden change in plans. | | | | |