| Dr. Tony Fiore | | | | On the other hand, if your expectations are |
| | | | too high, then reality will suffer from |
| Dateline: January 4th. Orange County Anger | | | | comparisons to expectation - and you may |
| Management class participants review anger | | | | experience disappointment and other anger |
| triggers of the week. | | | | reactions. |
| | | | |
| Jane, age 23, engaged to be married: "My | | | | Adjusting Your Expectations |
| boyfriend openly flirts with other women in | | | | |
| front of me." | | | | Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may |
| | | | be tricky because different people have |
| Jim, age 40, an IT professional: "a work | | | | different ideas of this. One way to do it is |
| group back East didn't finish their project | | | | to think about it when you are calm and cool. |
| on time, which made our progress look bad - I | | | | Many things that seem "reasonable" when you |
| blew up!" | | | | are worked up, later seem ridiculous and |
| | | | petty. |
| Joe, age 46, successful business owner and | | | | |
| young grandfather: "I get so mad at everyone | | | | Step 2: Eliminate the word "should." None of |
| that my daughter won't let me see my | | | | us can control other people, try as we might. |
| grandchild. Now, I'm angry at my daughter, | | | | People behave the way they behave for their |
| too." | | | | own reasons. |
| | | | |
| Mary, age 38: "I am constantly yelling at my | | | | Instead of "should-ing" others, state needs |
| two teenagers because they won't do what I | | | | from your own perspective, i.e., "I'd prefer |
| tell them to." | | | | if..." instead of "They should..." |
| | | | |
| Nancy, married 28 year old successful writer | | | | Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often |
| who goes into period rages toward her equally | | | | behave badly toward us because of their |
| successful husband: "I can't stand that he | | | | limitations or problems, not because they are |
| never picks up his clothes and he doesn't do | | | | purposefully trying to make us miserable. |
| things around the house that he says he will | | | | People are fallible and may not be able to |
| do." | | | | live up to our expectations, or they may have |
| | | | a different agenda than meeting your |
| Alex, a 50 year old salesman in class because | | | | expectations. |
| of road rage: " I can't stand it when people | | | | |
| cut in front of me on the freeway... it makes | | | | Relationships have their limitations. Marital |
| me crazy." | | | | research shows that 69% of relationship |
| | | | issues are basically unsolvable and |
| Different Anger, Common Cause | | | | perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find |
| | | | ways to live around the issues, rather than |
| In all cases, the cause of the anger isn't | | | | engaging in constant conflict. |
| what happened to these basically normal | | | | |
| people; rather it is how they assessed or | | | | Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather |
| evaluated what happened. | | | | than convincing yourself that others are |
| | | | "wrong." Tell yourself they simply see things |
| Anger often results from comparing the | | | | differently than you do. No need to get angry |
| behavior of others to your expectations. | | | | over this - they may be as convinced of their |
| | | | "truth" as you are of yours! |
| Sometimes it's a reasonable thing to do that, | | | | |
| but more often it's not because we have | | | | Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The |
| unreasonably high, and sometimes just plain | | | | underlying reason we often get angry at |
| wrong, expectations of ourselves and those | | | | others is because our basic needs are not |
| around us. | | | | being met as a result of the situation or the |
| | | | behavior of the other. |
| We can thus say that anger is caused by the | | | | |
| discrepancy between what we expect and what | | | | Rather than getting angry, we need to |
| we get. Indeed, the definition of expectation | | | | consider two more effective ways to deal with |
| is "eager anticipation." | | | | the situation: |
| | | | |
| Our Goal | | | | 1. Honestly communicate your unsatisfied |
| | | | needs to others. |
| It's important to figure out exactly what | | | | |
| "reasonable" means in terms of expectations | | | | 2. Explore alternative ways to satisfy your |
| of yourself and others. If your expectations | | | | needs. Take responsibility for your own needs |
| are too low, you'll feel cheated in life - or | | | | and find workable and acceptable ways of |
| worse - that you are "settling." | | | | satisfying them. |
| | | | |