| Dr. Tony Fiore | | | | high, then reality will suffer from comparisons to |
| Dateline: January 4th. Orange County Anger | | | | expectation - and you may experience |
| Management class participants review anger | | | | disappointment and other anger reactions. |
| triggers of the week. | | | | Adjusting Your Expectations |
| Jane, age 23, engaged to be married: "My | | | | Step 1: Decide what is reasonable. This may be |
| boyfriend openly flirts with other women in front | | | | tricky because different people have different |
| of me." | | | | ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it |
| Jim, age 40, an IT professional: "a work group | | | | when you are calm and cool. Many things that |
| back East didn't finish their project on time, which | | | | seem "reasonable" when you are worked up, later |
| made our progress look bad - I blew up!" | | | | seem ridiculous and petty. |
| Joe, age 46, successful business owner and young | | | | Step 2: Eliminate the word "should." None of us |
| grandfather: "I get so mad at everyone that my | | | | can control other people, try as we might. People |
| daughter won't let me see my grandchild. Now, | | | | behave the way they behave for their own |
| I'm angry at my daughter, too." | | | | reasons. |
| Mary, age 38: "I am constantly yelling at my two | | | | Instead of "should-ing" others, state needs from |
| teenagers because they won't do what I tell | | | | your own perspective, i.e., "I'd prefer if..." instead |
| them to." | | | | of "They should..." |
| Nancy, married 28 year old successful writer who | | | | Step 3: Recognize limitations. People often behave |
| goes into period rages toward her equally | | | | badly toward us because of their limitations or |
| successful husband: "I can't stand that he never | | | | problems, not because they are purposefully |
| picks up his clothes and he doesn't do things | | | | trying to make us miserable. People are fallible and |
| around the house that he says he will do." | | | | may not be able to live up to our expectations, or |
| Alex, a 50 year old salesman in class because of | | | | they may have a different agenda than meeting |
| road rage: " I can't stand it when people cut in | | | | your expectations. |
| front of me on the freeway... it makes me crazy." | | | | Relationships have their limitations. Marital research |
| Different Anger, Common Cause | | | | shows that 69% of relationship issues are |
| In all cases, the cause of the anger isn't what | | | | basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples |
| happened to these basically normal people; rather | | | | accept this and find ways to live around the |
| it is how they assessed or evaluated what | | | | issues, rather than engaging in constant conflict. |
| happened. | | | | Step 4: Be tolerant of other views. Rather than |
| Anger often results from comparing the behavior | | | | convincing yourself that others are "wrong." Tell |
| of others to your expectations. | | | | yourself they simply see things differently than |
| Sometimes it's a reasonable thing to do that, but | | | | you do. No need to get angry over this - they |
| more often it's not because we have | | | | may be as convinced of their "truth" as you are |
| unreasonably high, and sometimes just plain | | | | of yours! |
| wrong, expectations of ourselves and those | | | | Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met. The |
| around us. | | | | underlying reason we often get angry at others is |
| We can thus say that anger is caused by the | | | | because our basic needs are not being met as a |
| discrepancy between what we expect and what | | | | result of the situation or the behavior of the |
| we get. Indeed, the definition of expectation is | | | | other. |
| "eager anticipation." | | | | Rather than getting angry, we need to consider |
| Our Goal | | | | two more effective ways to deal with the |
| It's important to figure out exactly what | | | | situation: |
| "reasonable" means in terms of expectations of | | | | 1. Honestly communicate your unsatisfied needs |
| yourself and others. If your expectations are too | | | | to others. |
| low, you'll feel cheated in life - or worse - that | | | | 2. Explore alternative ways to satisfy your needs. |
| you are "settling." | | | | Take responsibility for your own needs and find |
| On the other hand, if your expectations are too | | | | workable and acceptable ways of satisfying them. |